Here is the excerpt for today. I hope you like it. This is the last of the prologue, next week we start with Chapter 1. Let me know if you like it. Does it have enough of a hook? Answer that question and be entered to win a $10 gift card from Amazon.
Jake, still numb watched his oldest brother pace the carpet as Jake had been doing only minutes before. He heard the conversation between his brothers but it really didn’t mean anything to him, such was his state of mind.
“What about the sheriff and Mayor Green? Don’t they believe you?” asked Liam.
Jake sat back in the chair. He hadn’t slept since the murder happened. Was it really only two days ago? His mind and body were beyond exhaustion. His nerves raw.
Finally, as though from far away, Jake said, “the sheriff does believe me and didn’t arrest me. Mayor Green trusts the colonel because he is a colonel and a friend of Elizabeth’s ex-fiancé, Longworth. Jordan has the mayor convinced he and the captain came upon me and I shot the captain. Mayor Green never did cotton to Elizabeth marrying me, a simple farmer, when she could have been a captain’s wife.
Liam looked at them both. It was a long time before he spoke like he was calculating everything in his mind, weighing each word before he made a decision. “I know you’d like nothing better than to rest, but we can’t. We leave now. Start packing the wagon. We need to make as much distance as we can before we stop tomorrow. It’s going to be a long journey.”
“Where are we going?” asked Jake, though he didn’t much care where they went. Everything that mattered in his life was gone.
“Deadwood. In the Dakota territory,” said Liam. “I bought a claim.”
For me it slows down at “Finally, as though from far away,” until “Where are we going?”
The two paragraphs before “where are we going?” seem to have lot of telling.
I want to remove this line: “such was his state of mind.” and show the reader this. Keep the intensity of the first two paragraphs. Maybe have Liam toss him a bag and tell him to pack. Then Jake can ask “Where….” and continue as you have the last two paragraphs.
These are my opinions only. Take what you like and toss the rest 🙂
Andrea, I think those are valid points and I like the change. It makes it stronger. Thank you for your help. I appreciate it.
Okay, yes, the content makes for a nice hook, but I agree with Andrea, it could be tweaked a bit for more showing, more immediacy, and deeper POV. However, definitely sounds like the start of an interesting story. I’m hooked!
Thanks Alicia. This is why I need the feed back. Your points and Andrea’s are very valid and I like them.
Needs a little tweaking but it’s an interesting start. Maybe a few too many names. That gets confusing when we don’t know who they are.
Drafts are always a bear! I think I rewrite those first few paragraphs 20 times before I’m happy. Not total re-writes but just tweaks, adding and removing sentences, setting the stage and mood, doing what I can to drop the reader into the action and giving them something to care about.
Can’t wait to read the whole thing.
Not really in the first paragraph